Why I Run

The Story behind the Redemption Run Series - By: Lucinda Caldwell

By KAVU

July 25^th, 2023

I fell in love with running because it was the first space as a teenager where I spent significant time alone in nature. I got to leave the house empty handed and head into open cornfields and inviting woods with my big imagination.

Another big reason I fell in love with running is because it combines this thing that came easily and felt natural to me -- but I also had this large capacity to learn, to grow, to push myself, and to set big dreams and go after them. I became obsessed with seeing where tiptoeing around rocks in the woods would lead me; with being alone with the birds and the trees; muddy shoes. The Thrill.

I also loved combining the act of playing with discipline: writing out a calendar of how many miles I was going to run that week, counting the miles I ran that month, and starting/stopping my stopwatch.

In committing to running, you commit to treating your body with respect and adoration, too - you learn what upsets your stomach and what makes you feel rested, and you do those things for yourself. As a teenager, these were all important lessons that made me form a strong sense of self when no one else was around.

I initially tiptoed into running. The fall of my freshman year of high school I played on the Varsity soccer team, but on weekends that I didn’t have soccer games I would run in cross-country meets. I knew I loved running, but team sports were more my thing. The summer before my sophomore year, I made the hard decision to let go of soccer and commit to cross-country. While it was hard to say goodbye to soccer, I felt this obsessive tickle of curiosity about running.

Choosing cross-country felt like a positive and thrilling: “What if?!” statement.

Once I began running on my high school’s cross-country team, I loved the feeling of beginning a race and seeing how many boys I could catch up to. The boys race began 5 minutes before the girls began.

I poured over my summer training program and fell in love with specific loops. I liked being able to dive into this adventure of self-growth in an independent way. I didn’t have to rely on anyone else to care, to show up to practice, to bring their 'A' game; it was just me, my running shoes, and the dirt paths. I was in this constant state of dreaming and wondering what was possible and seeing just how fast I could get.

Getting Sick

In late high school and college, I began feeling off all the time, and my performance on the field and in the classroom began declining. I was still functioning and showing up to all the commitments, but I would constantly complain about my stomach hurting, feeling tired, and not feeling like myself.

My junior year of college my body crashed, and I became bedridden; I could barely walk the 10 minutes to class, slept 13 hours per night and spent the day in bed. I saw over 15 doctors over the course of the year, and no one could really figure out what was going on. My world that felt like it was expanding and fruitful of possibility suddenly became very small: within the four walls of my room or in doctors’ offices.

Over the course of 8 years, I treated Epstein Barr Virus (mono) and Lyme Disease. There were months where I was too weak to dress myself, and years where walking too much could make me bed-ridden for a week. There was a season where I stopped listening to Spotify because music reminded me of a life that I could not access. (If you know me, you know that I am in the top 1% of Spotify’s list for the greatest number of minutes listened to each year).

That same season my mom noticed I lost the light in my eyes.

Slowly and in a nonlinear way, I began healing. While I did not have access to moving my body in the capacity that I was used to, I picked up painting, polar bear plunging, meditation, yoga, and expanded my experience hiking. I moved to Seattle because I wanted to be closer to nature and in a community that values the intertwine of work-life balance, appreciation for nature, and holistic health. Seattle grooved with the way of life I wanted to cultivate.

It was very important for me to expand what was possible and accessible at a time when I felt I had lost touch with my potential and truest nature. Another notable buoy throughout the process was visualizing what I would do when I was on the other side: running, connecting with people, being in nature. On the hardest days, I would pull the bed covers over my head, turn on music, close my eyes, and visualize myself running up mountains with friends by the ocean during sunrise.

While you cannot control bad things from happening in your life - you can decide how you are going to respond to the adversity. Having this dream to hold onto while I experienced a massive amount of confusion, sadness, and grief was a very important light in my healing process.

Now - the experience of running again....

For me, nothing can replace running. That doesn’t mean I don’t have many beautiful outlets and loves; it means running is a special experience that can’t be replicated in another form. Other activities can come close, but not quite hit it.

We all have our own ways of self-expression and processing the world; experiencing the continual pursuit of learning who we are and remembering who we’ve always been. Running acts as all of those things for me. It brings me a deep sense of contentment, confidence, and self-respect.

After a run, everything else makes a little more sense.

When I slowly began running again in July 2022, I was reminded of the unmatched feelings of lying on my yoga mat after a sweaty run; my imagination expanding the further I logged the miles; and the obsession with clicking my timer on & off. Every time I click the timer, my heart feels this satisfying thrill - like - “let’s do this thing.” No matter how short and slow the run is - the stopwatch signifies logging minutes and miles for my heart.

Within this 'Redemption Run series', I plan to both explore new places and return to familiar places through running. I initially loved running because it provided this space to explore my sense-of-self at a young age. I continued to be in love running because it connected me with meaningful people in my life. Running both keeps me in close touch with my younger self (a teenage girl who inspires me every day), and it also connects me with something outside of myself. I get to spend time with people I love and meet new friends. I love the conversations you have on a run and the bonds you create through running together.

I am curious about who the Redemption Run Series will connect me with, what new trails, times, and routes I will find, and all the adventures along the way!!! It makes me smile just to write all of those things - I am GIDDY for the adventure ahead!

I live on O’ahu - so I am going to island hop to the Big Island and Kauai and explore some new trails on different islands! I’ll also be heading to the PNW (Pacific Northwest) and will run some trails near Rainier National Park with some homies.

While I have times I’d love to hit for the half marathon on Kauai in September - the main purpose is going on an adventure, exploring new places, and honoring the whole reason I got here.